Peter And The Wolf - Weird Al Yankovic
Artist : “Weird Al Yankovic”
Song title : “Peter And The Wolf”
Download MP3 : Weird Al Yankovic - Peter And The Wolf .mp3
Download Video : Weird Al Yankovic - Peter And The Wolf
hello
Boys and girls
This is a story that i like to call
``peter and the wolf
Are you sitting comfortably?
Are you!?
Good
Then lets begin
Each character is represented by a different instrument of the synthesized
Orchestra
for instance
The part of billy the bird is played by a flute
Like this
The part of bruce the duck is played by an oboe
Louie the cat is a clarinetall right
Hes not really a
Clarinethes just --you know
Hes represented by a clarinet
The part of the grandfather will be played by don amiche
He what?
Cant make it?ohhuh
Okay
Um
Hmm
In that case
The part of the grandfather will be played by
Huh
A bassoon
Three french horns play the part of uhm three french horns uh
The wolf!its the wolf!right!the wolfseymore the wolf
The kettle drum and bass drum represent the sub-machine-gun fire of the
Hunters
And
Of course
As always
The part of bob the janitor is played by the
Accordion
Well
Thats it for the introductionsand now
The story
A long time ago
In a galaxy far far away uhoh
Excuse me
Once upon a time --i think it was last thursday --a boy named peter
Opened the gate and went out into the big green meadow
On the branch of a big tree sat a little bird
``all is quiet
Said the bird
``holy cow!a talking bird!
Thought peter
Just then
Bruce the duck came waddling bybruce was very happy that peter
Hadnt closed gate and he decided to check out the deep pond in the meadow
Billy the bird saw the duck
So he decided to fly down and pick an argument
With him
``what kind of bird are you if you cant fly?
He said; to which the duck
Cleverly replied
``im a duck!stupid!
They argued and arguedthe duck swimming in the pondthe little bird
Skipping along the shorescratchsorry
Suddenly
Something caught peters eye --and you know how painful that
Can beit was louie the cat crawling through the grass
Louie the cat thought
``if the bird is busy arguing
Ill just grab him
So quietly
Louie crept towards him on his velvet pawswell
His paws
Werent really velvet they were
You know
Kind of like velvetits
A
What dya call it?uh
A `metaphorits a metaphor
Get it?
``look out!look out!look out!look out!look out!look out!look
Out!look out!look out!
Advised peter
The bird immediately flew up into the tree while bruce the duck quacked
At louie the cat from the middle of the pond
Louie the cat walked around the tree and thought
``is it worth climbing up
So high
Or should i just send out for pizza?
Grandfather came outhe was all bent out of shape because peter had gone
Into the meadow
``its a dangerous placeif a wolf should come out of the forest
Then what
Would you do
Huh?
Peter did not answer
Because after all
It was a rhetorical question
Boys like peter are afraid of a lot of things
Like nuclear annihilation and
flunking algebra
But theyre not afraid of wolves
But grandfather got peter in a headlock and dragged him home
Telling him
That he was grounded and that he couldnt watch any cartoons for three weeks
Just then
As luck would have it
A big
Mean
Hairy
ferocious
Snarling
Carnivorous wolf
Huh
Did come out of the forest!
But i guess we all knew that was comingi mean
The story is called
`peter and the wolfwe couldnt very well call it
`peter and the wolf
If there wasnt any wolf
Could we?
Huh
That would be really stupid
The cat was up the tree in a twinkling; which is about
Oh
23 seconds
Bruce the duck quacked so hard that he propelled himself backwards
and up onto dry land
for those of you taking notes
This is a fine practical example of newtons
first law of motion
Which clearly states that for every action there is
An equal and opposite reaction
But no matter how quickly bruce tried to waddle away
He couldnt escape
Seymore the wolf who was wearing his best pair of tennis shoes
The wolf was closing in on the duckit was getting closer and closer
and closer and then and then
He got em!he got em!oh no!oh
It was terrible!
Oh
Oh i cant believe it!oh!
The humanity!the humanity!oh my god!ahh-hoh
Oh
Huh
And then with one big gulp
Seymore `wolfed him downburp
Um
Let me recap the story briefly in case you just walked into the room
Louie the cat was sitting on one branchbilly the bird was on another
Branch
Not too close to louie
and bob the janitor was at home defrosting
His refrigerator
The wolf walked around the tree so many times that he made a small trench
Meanwhile
Peter was standing behind the closed gate
Videotaping everything
That was going on
Suddenly peter got an ideahe ran home and got a big spool of his
Grandfathers unwaxed dental floss
One of the branches of the tree that the wolf was circling was conveniently
Stretched out over a high stone wall
Peter scaled the wall
Lickity-split
Which is even faster than a twinkling
Then he grabbed the branch and climbed onto the tree
Peter said to billy the bird
``i want you to fly down and circle around the
Wolfs head to distract him
But be very careful he doesnt catch you and
Bash your skull in and tear out your lungs and chew you up into itsy-bitsy
Teeny-tiny little pieces
``okay
Said the bird
Billy the bird almost touched the wolfs head with his wings while the wolf
Snapped angrily at him``go ahead
Said the wolf
``make my day
``come on
Cut it out
Snarled the wolf
``youre askin for trouble
Punkbut billy the bird just kept on harassing him
Meanwhile
Peter made a lasso out of the dental floss and
Carefully letting
It down
Caught the wolf by the tail and pulled with all his might
feeling himself caught
The wolf got really ticked off and started jerking back
and forth
Peter tied the other end of the dental floss to the tree and left the wolf
Dangling in mid-air
``hey
Big bad wolf
Said peter
``why dont you come up here and get
Us now?
``i would
Said the wolf
``but
Well
Im kinda tied up right now
Just then
Some members of the national rifle association came out of the
Woods
firing their magnums
Uzis and bazookas
But peter yelled
``dont shootbilly the bird and i have caught the wolf
Now
Lets take him to the zoo
``great idea!
Said the hunters
``and if he likes that
Next week well
Take him to disneyland!
Just imagine the victory paradepeter was at the headflush
But after a few minutes he was through and then the parade began with peter
At the very front
After him
The hunters leading seymore the wolf
Then grandfather
and louie the cat
and finally
Bob the janitor who had to
Sweep up the whole mess
Grandfather shook his head discontentedly
``well
Peter
What if you hadnt
Caught the wolf?what then?
``well
Said peter
``he probably would have ripped out my intestines with
His teeth
``cough/gag/choke
Said grandfather
``i know that
You idiot
It was a rhetorical question
Above them
Billy the bird chirped proudly``yeah
Thats rightwe bad
We bad
Granfather decided that hed had enough of the pond and the meadow and the
Whole stinking scene
So he ran off to los angeles and joined a heavy metal
Band
And what about bruce the duck?
Well
The wolf had been in such a hurry that he swallowed him alive!
Which means the gastric juices slowly disolved his body and he died a long
Painful death
However
Youll be happy to hear that just a few years later he was reincarnated
As shirley maclaine
And the moral of the story is oral hygiene is very importantmake sure you
See your dentist at least twice a year